Today Brenda continues to write about her journey after the sudden death of our son Isaac in April 2011.
Where am I now?
As I reflect on the last several years after Isaac was promoted to Heaven, I have changed. I am not the Brenda I was before. I see things differently. I am looking through a different lens. One thing I can now see after several years is how the Lord provided for me:
- Providing help from a neighbor
- Providing hospital workers who all prayed together surrounding us
- Providing rainbows in the sky to let me know that He was still there and a double rainbow on the first-year anniversary date of Isaac’s promotion
- Providing mourning doves to let me know that He still heard me
- Providing finances, even from people we never met
- Providing a loving and supportive family
- Providing food
- Providing time off from work for Andy
- Providing the many cards, emails, and flowers even from people we never met
- Providing friends that would just listen
- Providing churches that were willing to reach out to us
- Providing a sister who was willing to come and stay with us
- Providing uplifting and encouraging words
- Providing friendships with those who have experienced the loss of a loved one
- Providing a local GriefShare support group
- Providing understanding and helpful neighbors
- Providing those who would pray for us
Those are just some of the things I can reflect on and know that the Lord was with us during our time of need.
I did not always see this. The first year and a half was the absolute hardest of anything I have ever experienced in my life. But, the fog started lifting and I could “see”. I began slowly to see and hear the birds sing again. I could see the beautiful colors the Lord has provided for us to admire. I could see and hear and experience laughter again. But most of all, I could see how blessed I am with the family I have.
Do I still struggle and have bad days? Yes. Triggers that come from nowhere may send me for a loop, but I do not stay “there” as long.
(2Co 10:5) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
This verse was key for me to remember to turn off my negative switch and turn on my positive switch. I give thanks to the Lord for all that He has provided. I have to choose to do this and I choose not to think upon those things such as:
- What people may have said to me that hurt
- Cards or emails I didn’t receive and thought I should have
- or…fill in the blank with any other negative thought.
There is grace and forgiveness. I never experienced anything like this before and most other people have not. Many do not understand and are not trying to intentionally be mean. I didn’t understand either. The Lord has helped me to see this. He gives me grace and lots of it; therefore, I should also extend grace to those around me.
Do I still grieve? Yes. Will I always grieve? Yes. However, as I look back, I can now see things that I couldn’t see when I was clouded by grief – the Lord was still with me.