How many times have I intended to write a post, only to not find the determination to follow through? I even started several of them, but could not seem to find the proper words to bring them to completion. Being frustrated with my lack of passion to write, and wanting freedom from the duty to try to complete my earlier thoughts, I recently cleaned out my “draft” posts and decided to start afresh. So here we go…
Spring is almost here. It is the time of year when the earth brings forth new life and we celebrate the resurrection of our Savior. It is also the time of year when a dark cloud hangs over the anticipation of a particular date – April 18. It will be almost three years since our beloved Isaac passed on into heaven. Even after the long cold winter we experienced, it is still difficult to be fully excited about the change in season, at least until we pass that day.
So, how am I? Well, I wish I had some fire lit under me to tackle my callings in this life (hence the title of this post). Most days I feel as if I float through life. The enthusiasm that I had the first and even second year after Isaac’s death, to turn around the experience to help others, has diminished somewhat. I still want to share with and help others who are grieving after the death of a child, but it is not my driving force and passion. Everyday life has returned to – well – everyday life. I go to work, Brenda home schools the children, we gather together in the evening, and we wrap-up our day. Then we do it all over again. Were we supposed to return to this hum-drum routine? Or, rather, should we not be serving our Lord joyfully through the “normalcy” of everyday life (and not considering it “hum-drum”)? How long do we have to endure this life?
I think there are really only three things that keep me going these days: God’s word; the unconditional love and support of my wife and children; and my relationships with close family, friends, and brethren in Christ. The word of God has been my life support. If there is one positive from this experience, it is that I have learned to cling to the grace and truth of Jesus Christ, especially when the world offers other means of false comfort and peace. I realize that there are things about God that I don’t understand, and I am trying to be OK with that (do I really have a choice?). I wish I had answers to my big questions. But if God didn’t give Job the answers to his big questions, then I should be content with the same.
Lately, some annoyances in my life have really been getting under my skin. I have been impatient with others and harbored bitterness over some perceived injustices. I know the Lord calls me to forgive (up to 490 times right?), but doesn’t that only apply to my “brother” and doesn’t he/she have to apologize first? You see how I rationalize my anger? Oh yeah, I can be angry, as long as I don’t sin, right? Anyway, I’m not liking that stinky attitude coming out of my heart.
I hope you don’t mind me just being honest about where I am spiritually. We could really use your prayers. I wish I could share some great spiritual insight and breakthrough with you, but it seems that I’m just wandering through the desert land.
On a lighter note, I did want to share a recent family “selfie” below. Yes, we do have a new dog. His name is Stride and he appears to be a collie/German shepherd mix. He is a little over a year old. We adopted him near the end of 2013. We have been challenged to get used to Stride’s energy and personality, but things are improving and we are learning to accept each other. Our previous family dog, Mikey, died suddenly in early October 2013 while we were away on vacation. That was a very sad experience for us. Also, our two cats that Brenda and I had from early in our relationship died within a short time frame. So, the last half of 2013 was a little rough for us as the older generation of our pets all died within a short period. For us, losing a pet is not nearly the same experience as losing a child, but it is sad and difficult.
Well, I think I will actually close a post for now! If a fire kindles underneath me, maybe I will write a little more often in the future (no promises though).
May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.