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Where’s the fire?

16 Mar

How many times have I intended to write a post, only to not find the determination to follow through?  I even started several of them, but could not seem to find the proper words to bring them to completion.  Being frustrated with my lack of passion to write, and wanting freedom from the duty to try to complete my earlier thoughts, I recently cleaned out my “draft” posts and decided to start afresh.  So here we go…

Spring is almost here.  It is the time of year when the earth brings forth new life and we celebrate the resurrection of our Savior.  It is also the time of year when a dark cloud hangs over the anticipation of a particular date – April 18.  It will be almost three years since our beloved Isaac passed on into heaven.  Even after the long cold winter we experienced, it is still difficult to be fully excited about the change in season, at least until we pass that day.

So, how am I?  Well, I wish I had some fire lit under me to tackle my callings in this life (hence the title of this post).  Most days I feel as if I float through life.  The enthusiasm that I had the first and even second year after Isaac’s death, to turn around the experience to help others, has diminished somewhat.  I still want to share with and help others who are grieving after the death of a child, but it is not my driving force and passion.  Everyday life has returned to – well – everyday life.  I go to work, Brenda home schools the children, we gather together in the evening, and we wrap-up our day.  Then we do it all over again.  Were we supposed to return to this hum-drum routine?  Or, rather, should we not be serving our Lord joyfully through the “normalcy” of everyday life (and not considering it “hum-drum”)?  How long do we have to endure this life?

I think there are really only three things that keep me going these days:  God’s word; the unconditional love and support of my wife and children; and my relationships with close family, friends, and brethren in Christ.  The word of God has been my life support.  If there is one positive from this experience, it is that I have learned to cling to the grace and truth of Jesus Christ, especially when the world offers other means of false comfort and peace.  I realize that there are things about God that I don’t understand, and I am trying to be OK with that (do I really have a choice?).  I wish I had answers to my big questions.  But if God didn’t give Job the answers to his big questions, then I should be content with the same.

Lately, some annoyances in my life have really been getting under my skin. I have been impatient with others and harbored bitterness over some perceived injustices.  I know the Lord calls me to forgive (up to 490 times right?), but doesn’t that only apply to my “brother” and doesn’t he/she have to apologize first?  You see how I rationalize my anger?  Oh yeah, I can be angry, as long as I don’t sin, right?   Anyway, I’m not liking that stinky attitude coming out of my heart.

I hope you don’t mind me just being honest about where I am spiritually.  We could really use your prayers.  I wish I could share some great spiritual insight and breakthrough with you, but it seems that I’m just wandering through the desert land.

On a lighter note, I did want to share a recent family “selfie” below.  Yes, we do have a new dog.  His name is Stride and he appears to be a collie/German shepherd mix.  He is a little over a year old.  We adopted him near the end of 2013.  We have been challenged to get used to Stride’s energy and personality, but things are improving and we are learning to accept each other.  Our previous family dog, Mikey, died suddenly in early October 2013 while we were away on vacation.  That was a very sad experience for us.  Also, our two cats that Brenda and I had from early in our relationship died within a short time frame.  So, the last half of 2013 was a little rough for us as the older generation of our pets all died within a short period.  For us, losing a pet is not nearly the same experience as losing a child, but it is sad and difficult.

100_5658

Well, I think I will actually close a post for now!  If a fire kindles underneath me, maybe I will write a little more often in the future (no promises though).

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

Andy

 

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10 responses to “Where’s the fire?

  1. mallonees@yahoo.com

    March 16, 2014 at 3:55 PM

    I am praying for you brother! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Love ya brother!

    John

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

     
  2. mercifulwords

    March 16, 2014 at 6:49 PM

    Thank you for sharing your heart. We’re all human and all struggle. Praise God for being our Comfort and Help.

     
  3. Peter Wiebe

    March 17, 2014 at 8:18 AM

    The honesty is a breath of fresh air to me, Andy-praying for you. Sometimes I have felt like such a poor Christian struggling through Jesse’s death, rejection by our former church, and a business failure.
    Your honesty encourages me to keep fighting-for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.
    Sometimes, I think that God is more interested in building within me a character that does not quit as opposed to handing me the victory on a silver platter. Although I could be wrong in this.
    God bless you.

     
    • Ephesians 5:16

      March 17, 2014 at 6:29 PM

      Thank you Peter. I really appreciate your encouragement. You may have a point.

       
  4. Betty Martin

    March 17, 2014 at 3:08 PM

    00000000000000000000 Hi Andy, It is so good to hear from you again and catch up on your happenings. I love the picture, the children have grown so much. I am so sorry to hear about Mikey and the kitties. I know how you were all so fond of them, esp. Issac with Mikey. Put ambers on the fire and keep it going. We all go through spiritual slumps as well as the hum drums of life.

    Love to all,
    Betty

     
    • Ephesians 5:16

      March 17, 2014 at 6:30 PM

      Hi Betty. Thank you for your encouragement and sympathy.

       
  5. Cheryl

    May 8, 2014 at 8:17 AM

    I have been thinking about/praying for your family. I know that the anniversary of Isaac’s death has come and gone and that was on my heart too. I know the heaviness and grief that that brings. I am so sorry for your trials. Every change seems more difficult to bear after losing a child for me and to lose three beloved pets must have been really difficult for you and your family.

    I will continue to keep all of your beautiful family in my prayers for healing and peace.

    I started following another blog recently. This Christian farming family lost their teenage (oldest) son in a car accident about 6 months ago. The author of the blog (Elijah’s mom) lost her mom a year earlier and her husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and has just completed the treatments. She blogs every day I believe and it has helped me even though she is early in her grief, she is a beautiful writer and is “real”.

    http://farmingoncilleyhill.blogspot.com/2014/05/how-does-one-let-go-when-you-want-to.html

    (((hugs))) to you all,
    Cheryl

     
    • Ephesians 5:16

      May 13, 2014 at 6:32 PM

      Thank you Cheryl for your comments and (((hugs))). We appreciate your continuing prayers and support. Please know that we think of you as you continue on your journey while remembering your beloved Caleb.

      Thank you also for sharing the blog. Her writings are very real and powerful. It is such a difficult journey that we all are on.

       

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