Note: I wrote this desperate prayer several days ago after a difficult morning. That same day, I heard two songs on the radio that I’ve shared at the bottom of the post. Praise God, I am doing better now, however I decided to post these words with the hope of helping someone else who may be struggling with the same questions and feelings.
I can write about having faith and trusting God through this journey of grief. But when the doubt and confusion creep in, where are You Lord? When I don’t hear Your voice and I can’t even focus to pray, where are You? What is wrong with me? Have I disappointed You, that You’ve turned Your back on me? Why don’t you answer my prayers for something tangible to hold on to? Am I not seeing your blessings around me?
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body… For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2Co 4:8-10,16-18)
I am filled with confusion. I can barely focus or think rationally at times. I easily forget things. Shouldn’t I be past this? It has been over ten months already. Some days I can barely cry, I feel so dried up, and then some days the tears just flow. Why is this? Just when I feel like I’m moving forward, I am overwhelmed by my grief. This journey is inconsistent and almost unbearable. Some days I can barely hold on to hope. Do You even love me (of course You do – or do I really love You)? Am I even Your child? What happened to my faith, or did I have a superficial belief? Why am I angry so much of the time (this isn’t the fruit of the Spirit)?
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. (Psa 42:5)
Lord, please come quickly because my heart is in anguish. I know this is selfish – you are waiting for others to get in the boat. I realize that I can’t just ride things out until you do come – too much is at stake. I need to have courage and lead my family. Please give me Your heart and help me be a light to others even with these clouds over me. Please help me choose You over everything else. Please be near me.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Pro 3:5-6)
Desperately trying to hope,