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Where Are You?

24 Feb

Note:  I wrote this desperate prayer several days ago after a difficult morning.  That same day, I heard two songs on the radio that I’ve shared at the bottom of the post.  Praise God, I am doing better now, however I decided to post these words with the hope of helping someone else who may be struggling with the same questions and feelings. 

I can write about having faith and trusting God through this journey of grief. But when the doubt and confusion creep in, where are You Lord? When I don’t hear Your voice and I can’t even focus to pray, where are You? What is wrong with me? Have I disappointed You, that You’ve turned Your back on me? Why don’t you answer my prayers for something tangible to hold on to? Am I not seeing your blessings around me?

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body… For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2Co 4:8-10,16-18)

I am filled with confusion. I can barely focus or think rationally at times. I easily forget things. Shouldn’t I be past this? It has been over ten months already. Some days I can barely cry, I feel so dried up, and then some days the tears just flow. Why is this? Just when I feel like I’m moving forward, I am overwhelmed by my grief. This journey is inconsistent and almost unbearable. Some days I can barely hold on to hope. Do You even love me (of course You do – or do I really love You)? Am I even Your child? What happened to my faith, or did I have a superficial belief? Why am I angry so much of the time (this isn’t the fruit of the Spirit)?

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. (Psa 42:5)

Lord, please come quickly because my heart is in anguish. I know this is selfish – you are waiting for others to get in the boat. I realize that I can’t just ride things out until you do come – too much is at stake. I need to have courage and lead my family. Please give me Your heart and help me be a light to others even with these clouds over me. Please help me choose You over everything else. Please be near me.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Pro 3:5-6)

Desperately trying to hope,

Andy

 
6 Comments

Posted by on February 24, 2012 in Grief, Spiritual and Emotional

 

Tags: , , ,

6 responses to “Where Are You?

  1. Martha Goudey

    February 24, 2012 at 9:53 AM

    This post made want to reach out and hug you. I have wished that grief had a straight trajectory, but alas, it does not. You have experienced the worst kind of loss and will always miss your Isaac, whose passing was not timely, like my mother’s. And ten months?…you haven’t been through the season of the firsts, nor have you passed the one year mark. So please be kind to yourself and know that when grief is at its worst, God is still holding you. I think we have to make our peace with grief, allow it, rather than resist it, knowing it is our life’s companion–sometimes silent, sometimes noisy–but always there in some way or another. How could it be otherwise? Then perhaps we can move on. I pray peace for you in the midst of your grief.

     
    • Ephesians 5:16

      February 26, 2012 at 1:52 PM

      Thank you for your prayer, grace and encouragement. You are right – grief does not have a straight trajectory and it helps to know that others experience its inconsistency. It seems that no passing is timely. I have a friend whose father was sick for a while and his death was “expected.” Nevertheless, my friend relayed to me how unprepared he felt when his father did pass away.

      Blessings,
      Andy

       
  2. Cheryl

    February 24, 2012 at 11:15 PM

    I am so sorry for your deep loss. God does seem so far away sometimes and, at other times, during my grief trial, He has never felt closer to me. It seems like it goes in waves and I have learned to just try and remind myself that it will get better again. I am over three years into my grief and although it softens, it can still stop me in my tracks and take me to my knees….but usually not as often as in the beginning.

    On a similar note, I often wonder how men process their grief, like my husband. Women have usually at least a few really good friends and we have the gift of verbal expression and tend to use it when we are going through emotionally difficult times to those of our friends who will listen.

    My husband does not have a close friend besides me. He has no one to talk to or express his grief. He is the leader of the family, but has really struggled since our son died. I pray so often for him. I wish that he had even one close Christian friend. As leaders in families, men have a huge responsibility and they need support. I find that, at least in my husband’s case, he does not reach out to anyone, nor does he even see a need, when it seems to be so clear to me that he does.

    I love reading your blog because it does give me the male perspective, which is usually lacking in subjects such as grief.

    Every day is one day closer to seeing our Heavenly Father and our child/children that have gone before us.

    With love and Hope,
    Cheryl

     
    • Ephesians 5:16

      February 26, 2012 at 2:03 PM

      I have found it difficult to lead my family through this grieving process without the help of others. While Brenda is also my best friend (and we share eveything), it has been very helpful for me to have a few close Christian brothers to share with also and to not expect Brenda to be my sole confidant (she has so much to carry already). I would not tell anyone how they should grieve, but I encourage your husand to find at least one Christian man to talk to (I will pray for him in this area). Also, I am available from long distance and welcome him to contact me at anytime.

      I am looking forward to the time when we will see our sons again. Thank you Jesus for making it possible.

      Blessings and with renewed hope,
      Andy

       
  3. Betty Martin

    February 25, 2012 at 3:39 PM

    Andy, my heart goes out to you, and of course my prayers are with you. I know that you know the Lord sees and cares. He has carried our griefs for He has seen His own Son die on the cross. He has not forsaken you.

    Love,
    Betty

     
    • Ephesians 5:16

      February 26, 2012 at 2:05 PM

      Thank you Betty for your prayers and words of encouragement. Despite how I feel, I know what you say is true. You are such a blessing to us :-).

      Blessings and much love from the family (we miss seeing you!),
      Andy

       

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