It seems that anger is a common and powerful emotion experienced during the grieving process. I testify that anger has been present in my heart during this grieving process, as chronicled during an earlier post titled “Walking It Out.” That post was written on May 13, 2011, and almost eight months later anger is still an ever-present emotion during this journey. Anger has quenched our fire and resulted in us being spiritually lethargic and unwilling to fight our daily battles. Most days we just want to quit.
Most of the recent daily emails sent to us from GriefShare have been dealing with the subject of anger. One of those email messages suggested that we write a letter to someone who we are angry at. The problem is that I haven’t been certain with whom I am angry. I can tell you who I vent my anger towards, but that does not mean they are the root cause of my anger. As I’ve wrestled, struggled, vented and thrown my hands up in frustration, I can only look upwards toward Heaven. Then, I think I see clearly at Whom I am angry. So, I write this letter on behalf of Brenda and me with fear and trepidation…
We believe that we are and have been angry with You for a while. We don’t understand why You allowed this to happen. We believe that Your Word evidences that You are sovereign and in control of Your creation. For example, You allowed Satan to touch Job, Job’s family and his possessions, but You placed limits on the harm that Satan could cause. We don’t believe that You manipulate us like puppets but we do believe that You know the beginning from the end and nothing is a surprise to You. Well, Isaac dying suddenly and accidentally sure was a surprise to us. We’ve doubted Your wisdom and goodness in this. We were just really getting started with his spiritual training. He was maturing in his boyhood and wanting to break free on some adventure that he held in his heart (wow, as I write this I’m beginning to see). Did you place that adventure in his heart? Was it an adventure that only You could provide him with?
We’ve felt cursed since Isaac died. We’ve wondered if we did something wrong to deserve it. We know that we are sinners saved by grace. But we can’t think of anything that we did intentionally that You needed to do this to get our attention. Then again, we are thinking like humans, aren’t we? We don’t deserve any of the blessings that you give us, even the blessing of having Isaac here for over ten years.
So, can we be assured that Your little boy who You loaned to us is now in Heaven? He believed in Your Son, and he was only ten years old. We don’t know that we can be absolutely certain, since we don’t see him now. But, we are very confident in Your mercy, faithfulness and Word. There are varying opinions of man on where children go when they die, age or state of accountability, etc. Your Word gives us some evidence, if we understand it correctly. We are also thankful for the occasional personal reassurances that we believe You provide to us.
We guess we are just searching for the reason why Isaac left this earth so soon. We want to believe that there is a greater purpose and to see some fruit grow and ripen as a result (which we believe that we have). We thank You for the encouraging words that others have shared with us. Thank you for providing us with unexpected sources of encouragement just when we seem to be at a low point. Please let Your Holy Spirit give us the strength to hold fast to You.
Well, that didn’t turn into the all-out venting session that I thought it would. Whenever I want to shake my fist at God, I am reminded that He is Almighty God and that He owes me nothing. Yet, He is love, merciful, gracious and slow to anger. I am very thankful for that.