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Walking it Out

13 May

My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? (Psa 22:1)

Yesterday, I (Dad) went for a walk – a long walk, perhaps four to five miles. It was just me in my crocs, dirty jeans, t-shirt and hat. Well, the hat only made it part of the way because I threw it into the creek (it was the same hat that I wore on the day of the incident). You see, I am angry – VERY angry – and I needed to vent my anger. I expressed my anger to God and prayed that I did not curse Him in any way.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. (Eph 4:26-27)

I believe that the devil is trying to destroy our family.

Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. To him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen. (1Pe 5:6-11)

I can’t even identify at whom or what I am angry. I may be angry because I had (and have) no control over what happened on April 18, 2011 (and whatever happens at anytime). I may be angry because a piece of our family puzzle is missing from this side of heaven.  I may be angry because my most important earthly relationship with my wife has been severely strained. I may be angry because people are expecting things from me right now when I have nothing to give.

I may be angry that God allowed this to happen. He did not step down off of His throne on April 18. Not that we are anyone special or even as righteous as Job, or experienced anywhere near the amount of devastation that Job did, but I can imagine a dialogue similar to the one recorded in the first chapter of the book of Job occurring before the throne of God prior to April 18. God has blessed us incredibly and perhaps our devotion to Him is being tested. Even if Satan meant this for evil, God intends this for His good. I believe that because His Word says so and I have experienced His goodness through other dark episodes in my life. However, my faith just seems to be barely enough to believe it and sustain me through this overwhelming grief.

If you ask us how we are doing, please be prepared for our honest answer. We are not doing well. Please forgive us if we are less than gracious at times but our emotions are very raw. We are praying for grace in our relationships with other people. However, we are finding it difficult to understand some of our recent conversations and interactions with people. We believe that people mean well and may not really know what to say to us. But some words do hurt and you probably don’t truly understand what we are going through. Again, please forgive us.  (Update: For clarification, this only refers to a very limited number of people.  Most of our interactions have been encouraging and uplifting.  I did not intend to cause undue concern or to be critical of others’ intentions.)

God is not giving us the big answers. But He is giving us just enough grace and strength to make it through each day. Please pray that we reach the point where we feel His peace in our heart and can move from the words and feelings expressed in the verse at the beginning of this post to these words:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. (Psa 23:1-6)

 

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7 responses to “Walking it Out

  1. Susie

    May 13, 2011 at 9:37 AM

    I love you guys and am praying. Much.

     
    • ephesians516

      May 14, 2011 at 4:29 AM

      Susie – Thank you so much. God is providing strength and encouragement through your words and prayers.

       
  2. Cheryl

    May 14, 2011 at 12:06 AM

    My husband and I lost our youngest son Caleb at the age of 17 months old when he was trying to get out of his crib. That was in August of 2008. Seems like yesterday sometimes. I am so sorry for your loss and am saddened that another family has to endure this kind of loss.

    Praying for your marriage and for your whole family…

    Cheryl

     
    • ephesians516

      May 14, 2011 at 4:28 AM

      Thank you for sharing this with us. We are sorry to hear about the loss of your youngest son Caleb. We sincerely appreciate the prayers for our marriage and family. God is using the prayers and encouragement of His saints to uphold us through this grief.

       
  3. *amber*

    May 14, 2011 at 11:45 PM

    Sometimes I get angry, I think I get angry at being vulnerable to my feelings, because sometimes I want so badly not to hurt. Does that make sense?
    Life comes with a lot of hardships as you and I are both well aware of with these losses, personally I try to believe that my husband has been saved from the hardships, and because he is in heaven he is the lucky one. God gave him freedom, peace, and rest…how can I be mad at God for giving my husband the ultimate gift, and early invitation to heaven. That doesn’t go to say sometimes I don’t want to take those very words and choke on them, or curse them. It’s so difficult to find the “good” in a loss so traumatic and painful. I don’t know, because of course our losses are slightly different, but maybe you and your wife are just taking your frustrations out on each other and that is what has you butting heads. I’m not sure if you have checked into counseling or not, or have outside resources to talk to, but maybe releasing your frustrations to someone else and then coming together with level heads would help. Just a thought. I’m thankful that amidst my tragedy I still have my daughter because she is a peace of my husband. I know you are thankful to have each other, but find extra thankfulness in still having each other, because not having your companion to turn to…putting it bluntly…SUCKS.

     
  4. Ronda

    May 15, 2011 at 1:41 PM

    I will keep praying for you guys. The strain you talk about between you and Brenda is normal. Husband & wife always take things out on each other and at this time you are trying to realize WHY. Please remain strong and pull together for the sake of your other children. You both are hurting and you can’t make it right for each other. Only God can give you peace. You are not less of a Christian because you feel this way. You will go through all the emotions before you find peace. Don’t give up on counceling-it helps you sort out your feelings and come to term with everything. Please know that your friends are there if you need us and that you have our support. It is OK to have these feelings. Love you guys!

     
    • ephesians516

      May 15, 2011 at 1:49 PM

      Ronda: Your encouraging words brought tears of relief to our eyes. Thank you so much. We are clinging to the Lord and each other.

       

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